When your wife becomes pregnant, everything is now about her. Her body, her feelings, etc etc.

This a very good thing, and I’ll tell you why.

I can’t pretend to speak for all partners of pregnant women out there, but as a husband, making everything about my wife is an understandable but somewhat disappointing realization. I want a bigger part in this whole experience; I want to know what things feel like; I want to talk to the baby all the time; I even want to share in the morning sickness and back pain so she doesn’t have to do it alone.

I want foot massages whenever I please.

Despite all that, I understand that this transition is about us, not about me. For the time being, this whole transformation into a family is physically only happening to her.  So, I decided that the best way I can help develop this bond is to become the Food Nazi Curator for the household so the baby can get the best nutrition possible. I also [secretly] decided that if Evelyn ate what I told her, we wouldn’t get stuck with the daily “what do you want for dinner?” discussion.

(…but seriously, food is probably the easiest way to support a pregnant wife, right?  You get appreciation in all the ways you want, and you help guide the baby’s physical development without actually carrying it…)

For the first trimester, I had it all planned out: I read up on everything. Healthy smoothies… 8 servings of fruit/day… Kale… So one day I decided to be nice: I went to the grocery store, got some real good food, and made a strawberry banana shake!  She took a sip.

“OMG THAT’S DELICIOUS!”

She liked it so much that halfway through she decided to puke it out and the rest went down the drain.  Hours were now lost slaving over a hot blender!  You know what else she ate that day?

Saltines. After all my research, all my groceries, all she could eat was saltines?! This went on for 3 months! Evelyn’s morning sickness had progressed into afternoon and  evening sickness, and there was nothing I could do. She robbed me of this opportunity to help! Okay Neil, calm down…

The second and third trimesters were much better, although Evelyn had her cravings. Not anything insane, but there were a lot of meals comprised solely of oranges. If she didn’t have oranges, she RAGED OUT. If I suggested anything else, she’d give me the look.  You know the one.

We ate healthily about 4.5 days a week. Don’t judge me, and certainly don’t judge her. It’s not our fault that this goddamn baby wants oranges and garlic fries. My food curation exercise was a failure!

Instead of crying myself to sleep, I pivoted.  Now, instead of healthy foods, this baby is going to taste as much truly good food as possible. There are many studies that show babies can taste what a mother eats even as early as 16 weeks!  I’m now determined that our little girl is not going to be a picky eater.  Spicy foods, sour foods, kimchi… Our baby must try everything.

I’m not sure if there’s a lesson here. If there is, it’s that you can’t let ideals get in the way of a relationship. There will be plenty of time being the dad when the baby comes.

In these final days before our girl is born, all Evelyn wants is the good stufffffff. Cookies. Ice cream. Chips. Yes, we still eat healthy foods, but all bets are off when it comes to what the baby wants. Hell, if she wants McDonald’s breakfast, SHE’S GONNA GET McDONALD’S F*CKING BREAKFAST.