So I think I should sprinkle in some serious thoughts today.  I don’t think I’ve properly introduced myself.  My name is Neil and I will very soon be father to a child.  The child is going to be a girl, and I think she’s going to be AWESOME.  Of course, I will be more awesome than her because I raised her, but that aside, she’ll be pretty cool.  I think the current emotions as a future parent here are:

• Excited
• Overjoyed
• FUCKING FREAKED OUT Anxious… but it’s not too anxious.

Anxiety is probably the best word I can use around non-parent friends because anything more than that (i.e. dread; fear; envy of people with less responsibility) will bring on the cock-eyed looks that you must be crazy.  There’s some Stepford-ish perception that having a kid should disallow any feelings of doubt or doom, and that you’ve made a mistake if you’ve felt this way.

I think of having a pregnant wife is not unlike skydiving.  I’ve gone skydiving before and it’s one of the most sobering and exhilarating experiences of my life.  It’s still very vivid in my mind: the adrenaline, the thrill of going up in the plane… And then I looked out and momentarily thought, “A sane person would not do this.  I am not sane. I am stupid, what the fuck am I thinking?”  There’s no stopping it, and I’ve gotten into something that I can’t get out of.

Then I jumped.

Although terrifying, that’s only one emotion among many that speed through my brain.  In fact, the only difference I’ve felt between skydiving and having a pregnant wife is that there isn’t any adrenaline.

There really isn’t a tangible happy ending to this story yet because we’re still about 2 weeks away from our due date and all I see is a very pregnant wife getting just as fucking freaked out anxious as me.  All I know is that all these feelings of doubt are orbiting around the bigger feelings of happiness and warmth, and the comfort that what I’m doing is going to be fun, exhilarating, and bring Evelyn and I closer together.  The feelings I’m having are normal, and you’re all just assholes for judging.

Especially you.  You know who you are.

To lighten the mood, here’s Evelyn hatching an evil scheme: